I Was Not "Okay" - My Experience Working as a PA Whilst Battling Depression and Anxiety
TRIGGER WARNING: self-harm, eating disorders, mental illness.
When compiling the results for our mental health and wellness survey, I was alarmed to discover that 41% of the support staff who had completed the survey had been diagnosed with a mental illness. I should not have been so surprised, because I was one of them.
I had always suffered poor mental health, which likely stemmed from childhood trauma with a healthy dose of genetics. Even as a small child, I had overwhelming social anxiety. In high school, I developed anorexia and started self-harming. I didn’t seek any help during this time. Everyone who knew that I was struggling to some degree (myself included) put it all down to teenage hormones. I matured into a young adult, life sorted itself out and I thought my troubled days were over.
They reared their head momentarily a few times throughout my early 20s. Like many Australians in their early 20s, I enjoyed drinking to get drunk and was regularly binge-drinking. Unlike others, I wasn’t doing it for fun - I was using it as a coping mechanism.
Living in Sydney away from my home and family in Queensland, I didn’t have a lot of friends and I was single. I made my career my whole life. My dedication and passion to my work was my entire life. I didn’t have a large friend group and I definitely didn’t have hobbies outside of work. My career was everything.
So, when things started going wrong in my career, it effected my whole world. I was working in a toxic workplace. The expectations were sky high, and competition between employees actively encouraged. I was working long hours and weekends, striving to meet and exceed billable targets in order to receive praise and validation. Processes and procedures were constantly changed and you never felt like you were doing the right thing. Things were done at the last minute so you were always under unnecessary time pressure. I had become a total perfectionist - excessively hard on myself when I made a mistake. I was incredibly anxious and thought everyone was against me. I became a totally different person and pushed people away. I was burnt out, overworked, stressed and depressed. I once again started self-harming and disordered eating.
Finally, after years of suffering, I decided to go to my GP and talk about what I was going through. I was diagnosed with depression and placed on a mental health plan that provided me with regular contact with a psychologist. I started talking to people about what I was going through instead of keeping silent and pushing them away. I quit that damn toxic job. I got hobbies and started a life outside of work.
From the moment that I made the decision to open up and talk to someone, my life changed for the better. That’s what R U OK day is all about - talking about what you’re going through. That’s why I’m sharing my story, which I’ve been reluctant to open up about in the past. We need to make these discussions normal, not just one day a year but every day.
If you don’t feel like you have anyone you can talk to, you can reach out to Lifeline (13 11 14) or Beyond Blue (1300 22 4636). Beyond Blue also have some great resources.
